Should you see their body?

Someone in our community asked recently how to prepare for seeing their parent in the casket. Before the how, there's a bigger question that nobody really prepares you for: do you see them or not?

When I had to decide whether to see my dad at the morgue, the only person I knew who had seen a body in one was my boss. It's not really a question you want to ask your boss, but I was desperate. So let me tell you: there is no right choice, but you need to make a choice.

Questions to help you decide

• Do you need to see their body to take in that they're gone? For some people, seeing is what makes it real.
• How long will it have been? A body looks different as time passes.
• Was it an accident or a traumatic death? Think about how you'd be affected by carrying that image of them in your memory.
• Did you see them shortly before they died? If you did, seeing them now may not add much.

The pros and cons

I made a mental list of pros and cons on both sides. Here it is written down.

	Pros	Cons
Seeing them	It can make the death real, so it doesn't feel like they're just far away. You see for yourself. A chance to say goodbye, out loud or in your head. You're less likely to wonder later whether you should have gone.	They may not look like themselves, and that image can come back. A traumatic death can leave a harder image. The visit may be short and not very private. If you saw them recently, it may not add much.
Not seeing them	The last picture you hold of them stays the living one. You're spared an image you can't unsee. Fewer decisions on a day that's already too full.	It can be harder to believe they've died, especially if you live far away. You might regret it later. You may wish you'd had proof for yourself.

How heavy each of those feels is different for everyone. It depends on your personality and who you are.

Why I went

I live abroad, so I didn't see my dad when he was in hospital or when he died. If I didn't see him, I was worried I'd fly back feeling like we were just separated by distance as usual. I was worried I wouldn't accept he had died. I wanted to see for myself. I was also afraid I wouldn't get closure if I didn't go. I didn't know yet that closure is a myth.

What it was actually like

When I was there, I couldn't believe I was looking at his lifeless body.

I didn't like how different he looked. He didn't look awful, but he looked so old, like he'd aged years in the days since I last saw him. It didn't look like him. I guess death does that to you. I don't like that image at all, and it comes back from time to time, but I wouldn't say it scared me either. He was only ill and in hospital for a few days. I might feel differently if it had been a long illness and he'd looked really unwell.

The visit was really short. I'm not sure if I expected that. It was quiet, but it wasn't really a quiet moment alone. I knew the staff were there at the door. I acted like I was alone, but right at the front of the back of my mind, I knew someone was watching. It didn't occur to me until much later that I could have asked for time alone.

I wanted to take a photo in case I forgot, or needed proof later. But nobody told me whether I was allowed, and it felt so wrong to take a photo of the dead. So I took a close-up of my sister's hand resting on his heart, in case I ever needed evidence.

What I know now

I thought going would decide whether I got closure. It didn't, because closure doesn't exist in grief. I didn't know that at the time. Seeing him was just one of many ways to take in that he had actually died. I think I would have gone on grieving whether or not I saw him at the morgue.

Looking back, it wasn't as profound a decision as it felt at the time. But I think I might have regretted not going. It wasn't a negative experience, so with hindsight I'm glad I chose to go.

If you decide to go

• Ask what to expect. The funeral director or mortuary staff can tell you how they look, so it isn't a shock. They may look smaller, older, or not quite like themselves, and they'll feel cool to the touch.
• Ask for what you need. Can you have time alone? How long will you have? Are photos allowed? You're allowed to ask. I wish I had.
• Bring one person whose only job is you, and agree on a signal that means you need to step out.
• Go at your own pace. You can stop at the door, come halfway, or leave whenever you need to.
• Any reaction is normal. Tears, numbness, disbelief, even a laugh. Nothing you feel in that room is wrong.
• Leave the rest of the day empty. It often lands hardest a few hours later.

If you live far away and the distance is part of this, not getting home in time carries its own weight. And if you're the one organising everything, planning a funeral while your heart is broken is for you.

If you decide not to

That's a real choice too, not avoiding anything. You can still say goodbye in your own way: a letter, a few words to someone at the funeral home, something placed with them by someone you trust. If you change your mind, it's fine to ask whether there's still time.

Go with your gut

This is so personal. Go with what you know about yourself and your gut feeling, not what's expected of you by society or anyone else. Whatever you choose, it's the right choice for you.

Questions people also ask

Is it normal not to want to see their body?

Yes. Choosing not to see them is as valid as choosing to go. Some people want their last picture of the person to be a living one, and that is a real reason, not avoidance.

Can I ask for time alone at a viewing or the morgue?

Usually, yes. Ask the funeral director or mortuary staff whether you can have a few private minutes, how long the visit will be, and whether you're allowed to take a photo. Many people don't realise they can ask until afterwards.

Will seeing them give me closure?

Not in the way people hope, because closure isn't how grief works. Seeing them can help you take in that they have died, but you will keep grieving whether you go or not.

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